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Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, “We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” Everybody has an unknown side that may not be displayed easily, and it is important to be considerate and encourage vulnerability for the good of others. The remainder of this message is not my whole story or what I consider to define me, but it is being shared to help others who may be struggling with something similar. I have moved around a lot in my life, and every move has had a large impact on me. I’ve always felt like I’m not from a specific place, and that I never know where to call home. The main focus of this story will be on one place.
My second move to Pennsylvania was at the start of my freshman year, and I attended a private Christian school not much bigger than the one I currently attend. I got involved with a boy (I know, it wasn’t smart), and things got messy. In the end, we ended up ending things, but afterward, he started these horrible rumors about me. Without going into detail, they mentioned sexual and mental abuse, bad slurs I supposedly used about others, and “lies” about my mental disorders. Many awful nicknames stemmed from those rumors and they were said to my face every day. The rumors eventually got to the other students, and all my friend groups dumped me. Many told me they were glad I was being treated like this, that no one loved me, and even that no one would care if I killed myself. Additionally, because I was in therapy, people called me crazy and unstable. I was also diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, which led to the common misconception that I was so-called “crazy.” I gag at hearing that word now.
The people in my life, even the ones I called friends, didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I ate lunch alone every day, cried every single day, had up to 3 panic attacks daily, and I just wanted to give up. I struggled with an addiction to self-harm, really badly. I stopped eating, I hurt myself, and I didn’t want to deal with life anymore; I considered taking my own life. For months, I dealt with people calling me horrible names, throwing dodgeballs at me, tripping me, and talking about me behind my back. I could always tell everyone was staring at me. It was the kind of stuff you’d see in movies!
The only people I connected with during it were my teachers. Shout out to my geometry teacher in my freshman year, who stood up for me and told off the mean guys who made me cry. One specific memory I had was that one day, I walked into school, burnt out and tired. No makeup, no shower, I was done. As I was walking to the vending machine to get a drink with a stern look on my face, a girl looked at me as she passed with her friends and said, “Oh no, here come the waterfalls again.” Honestly, at that point, I would’ve punched her in the face. Thankfully, the teacher heard her and lectured her about the golden rule concept. He came up to me and hugged me and told me to go to the hallway and watch a movie for the rest of class, and that I could catch up on the lesson later.
Fast forward a few months, and I found out I was moving to North Carolina. I was like “WHY NORTH CAROLINA?!” I mean I was only in PA for one year since we moved from Belgium! It turned out that my brother was accepted into a special arts school to participate in their ballet program. Now when I tell you, out of all the moves, even moving overseas and back, moving to North Carolina was the worst move yet. I realized that I had built a trauma bond subconsciously with my old school and the people, no matter how much it hurt. I just wanted to go back. The summer I moved here I dealt with the same loneliness I did even when I was in PA. The buffer from when I moved in June to my first day at my new school was rough. No friends, no socializing, just me and my phone in my room all summer.
I began to get so angry at everything. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. Eventually, things started to turn around. I connected with the people at my school, new friends I made, and loving teachers who guided me. After the horrible few years I had, it felt as though all of it was a dream. That brings me back to today. Recently I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and I still struggle with everything I just talked about today. I still have panic attacks from it, I cry about it a lot, and I am in therapy. No matter how long ago a scary event was, it can still haunt you forever. But, it will only worsen if you don’t accept it. It is a blessing that I ended up here, and I wake up every day happy that I am in this place now.
Now that's MY story. I see many people and I can tell that a lot of them are tired or mentally exhausted; that’s okay! It’s okay not to be okay. Although it is the most cliched quote of all time, “You have to see the rain before you can see a rainbow.” Through every struggle and obstacle, looking at life as if every day was a miracle or a step toward happiness created hope in my life when it seemed that there was none. Do not give up. I’ve tried too many times; It’s not worth it.
This whole journey sparked my interest in psychology and how the brain works. Why do I still struggle with something that happened two years ago? What brought me to hurt myself on purpose? Why do I still need to do trauma work on this event? I made some stupid decisions before, but everyone messes up. The most important thing that I learned from this experience is to not let it break you down; things will always get better. If anybody is struggling with anything I just mentioned, please reach out for help. Talk to a counselor, a parent, or anyone who you trust. Never be ashamed to ask for help or go into therapy; there is nothing wrong with reaching out. Everyone struggles, but always remember that everything is going to be okay.
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