All the Broken Pieces

Have you ever wondered why your friends approach relationships differently regardless of the situation? Or why dating has gotten harder in recent years? Many believe that our first romantic relationships affect the rest of our lives. Although this sounds right, it actually isn’t the answer; our relationship with the parental figures in our lives can determine how we give and receive love.

Parents and guardians are our first encounter with love. They are supposed to show us how to care for others and ourselves. But what if you were never given the chance to receive love and affection from a parental figure? A theory called The Attachment Theory heavily suggests that we internalize the attention and love received from our parents as our determination of self-worth. In simple terms, this means that if one grows up without love and affection they often believe that they are not worthy of it.

Rebecca Bergen, a licensed clinical psychologist, explains how our childhood affects our potential relationships along with ways to break the traumatic cycle of love and abuse. “Parents are a child’s first experience with ‘unconditional’ love and it is influential and significant for a child’s development,” says Bergen. “Growing up, parents are our primary examples of everything, so if a child does not witness love in any shape or form, they are unable to receive nor give it. This also plays hand and hand with anger and conflict. Children that grow up in houses filled with conflict, find it harder to stray away from dysfunctional relationships where arguments are recurring. They also learn to become more passive-aggressive and hide their feelings like a ticking bomb waiting to explode.”

Parents constantly serve as illustrations for our behaviors and the behaviors we search for in future relationships. Same-sex parental figures are models for our behaviors, and opposite-sex figures serve as the personalities we look for. This does not mean that same-sex couples are restricted from having the same issue. As someone who has multiple friends apart of the LGBTQ+ community, I have witnessed it firsthand when my friends in same-sex relationships have allowed others to walk over them, even in extreme situations. It is always hard for everyone to break away from dangerous and toxic situations, which is a prime reason why we must learn about the patterns within ourselves and strive to make a positive change.

Many people live with their parents’ voices replaying in their minds, but often times it becomes worse when entering a relationship. The discipline of communication is very hard for most people to perfect, yet working towards a better communication style is always greatly appreciated and beneficial in the long run. As stated before parents influence communication styles and often they become the voice of incorrect reasoning in our minds when interacting with others outside of our communities. This is often a major component of romantic breakups because one partner is unwilling to let go of something their mother or father had said months back.

One of the best ways to break this toxic cycle is by attending therapy. If therapy is unavailable to you, there are always free psychological books that comment on the connection between parental and romantic relationships. Another great way to heal the inner childhood trauma is by journaling and listening to our inner thoughts, whether they are negative or positive. Although learning to love the healthier way is hard, it is an attainable something all people should strive for. Healing the broken pieces prevents the glass from shattering even more.